Anxious thoughts circle round and round my mind like a broken carousel. I am trapped in yet another sleepless night. Insomnia hit like a bolt of lightning striking me down from the heavens above, absolutely ruining my life. I am delirious beyond belief, reality is fraying at the seams. When I attempt to lay my head down on the cool pillow I can feel my heart trying to burst out of my chest as it’s tachycardic rhythm sends my senses into overdrive.
I get up and start pacing around my small apartment, like a mad man in the padded room he’s kept in. Panic washes over and over and over me and I begin sweating profusely. I am reduced to tears and the only question that I can formulate is why aren’t the sleeping pills the psychiatrist prescribed me working? At such a high dosage you would think even the largest of men would doze off like little babies. I have been awake for so long it feels as if my body has forgotten how to sleep.
What are you to do when your mind will not allow you to find rest? What can save you when you feel yourself slowing slipping away into madness? Who can you reach out too?
Nothing made sense to me anymore. At the first signs of restlessness I reached out to the doctors thinking surely something has to be wrong with me, as I haven’t changed anything in my life that would lead to insomnia. I never had a problem this severe with sleeping, ever. Something just had to be wrong with my body and a certain pill or supplement was bound to fix me. The personality specialists must have had a cure hidden away somewhere.
I was devastated to learn that all my blood results came back normal, and that I was as healthy as an ox. No one could tell me why I was experiencing what I was. The world seemed to be going by on it’s normal routine while I was left to quietly suffer in my anxious misery. Sleep deprivation is absolutely horrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My thoughts felt like they were not my own and I was a slave to whatever idea jumped into my head. Just as I was nearing my wit’s end and thoughts of blowing my brains out or turning to insane drugs haunted me constantly I received that moment of clarity that happens in an individual’s life that changes everything for the better.
I saw that for almost the last 2 years I had turned my back on my savior, and done everything I possibly could to distract myself from feeling the conviction of the holy spirit calling me to give up my sin and return to Christ. I had grown stubborn, jaded, and upset with God as a whole and decided for a while I would be better off on my own. I wanted to be in control of my life and decide what was best for me. I wanted to be my own master.
This rebellion led me down a road I swore I would never walk down again. Gave me the cold heart I needed to do things I promised I was done with. Numbed my spirit and allowed me to return back to the dead existence I was once saved from.
I was empty, the fire that burned so hot in my heart had all but been completely extinguished. I was desperate for change, but I would do nothing to seek it out. I was content in my sin and I suffered for it, my wife suffered for it.
I was supposed to be a man of God and wash my wife in the word and help lead her closer to Christ. Instead all I did was ignore her spiritual needs and uselessly sit by as her heart and love for Jesus slowly started to wither away. I was lost in my own stupidity and watched as the precious love of my life drifted further and further from the Lord while I did nothing and laid still with idle hands.
In that moment of beautiful clarity I cried out to the Lord “Father forgive this wretched heart once more! I’m sorry, I’m sorry I carried the burdens of this life deep within my soul and allowed them to corrupt and poison me. To alter my love for you and allowed the wicked devil to blind me.”
You see this world is cruel and will attempt at anything to hurt us. The beast will come and turn our sadness and pain into a weapon to use against the very savior who loves us dearly. Our minds become warped and truth gets lost somewhere deep down in the darkness that starts leaking into our being, like water filling up a sinking ship. We get so full that by the time we even realize what’s going on we’re already drowning in the depths of the abyss.
I saw all the warning signs that my soul was starting to rot, yet I did nothing. I felt justified in my pain and I couldn’t comprehend the love of the Lord anymore. I withdrew into myself and blocked out any attempt by the king to reclaim me. Everything was in vain, and I praise God for that. He came and sought me, when I thought my heart had died and I no longer had a place in the Lord’s home, he chased after me. It took sleepless nights and almost losing my mind to see that the Lord loved me dearly.
He came after me, after I turned my back on him for what seemed like the hundredth time. I still cannot understand his great love for me, for all of humanity, but I’m not going to question it. I am just going to be still and know that he is God and that our adventure once again takes off. Where we will end up, I don’t know. I don’t care though, because I had charge over my life and I lost it to the wickedness of the world. Now I know, without a shadow of a doubt that nothing will ever be more secure than being held in the hands of the Lord.